Do you have a healthy IT project that you are sick of? Here are some simple tricks on how you can get rid of it.
- Strategy: Have none. But if you happen to have one: make sure no one finds out about it. At least not your team.
- Obfuscation: Ensure your team receives no useful information. If you are forced to give them information, make sure you hide it in endless documents which nobody understands.
- Divide and Destroy: Make sure the members of the project team cannot communicate: Put them in different places (best:different continents, different time zone, different language), forbid telephone contact, establish a ticket system that is too slow and too complicated to be used in a effective way
- Paper Work: Your best friend. Busy your developers with Excel sheets and other non- productive activities. If you run out of paperwork invent some new time tracking Excel sheets.
- Don’t listen to your team: They might even come up with ideas on how to improve things for the project. How inconvenient would that be?
- Understand nothing: Make sure your managers don’t understand the software developers. But more important make sure they are not interested in understanding them and their problems.
- Restructure: Do some restructuring, the crazier the better. It doesn’t matter what as long as everything is different then before and no one understands the new processes. The only thing to keep in mind is that the new processes should take longer and be less efficient.
- Limit Access: Make sure you team doesn’t have access to the servers and tools it needs. To make this measurement more effective don’t tell anybody about the new restrictions. They will find out by themselves. The best thing about it is, it will be usually at a time when productive problems occur.
- Promise and delay: Make lots of promises, never keep them, always postpone. Phrases that might help you: “No problem, that will change“, “Don’t worry I will take care of it“, “Yes, yes you are right“, “Believe me I think the same way“
- Frustrate: Helps to slow down the productivity. Let them do repetitive, boring tasks (double the effect by picking totally useless ones). Its good practice to let them produce stuff for the garbage.
- Play the happy hippo: Once you succeeded in creating enough problems, pretend there are none. Everything is sunshine in the project. There ain’t no problems. Everybody who says different is the problem. Also known as the sweep everything under the rug strategy.
If you have implemented all these tricks you can almost be sure to have reached your goal: the project will be dead, or at least much more expensive then before.
Blame the downfall on the lazy and expensive development team and show your boss (with some impressive power point charts) how much you have done to get the project on track, including all the restructuring stuff.
Open a champaign bottle and get ready for your promotion. Happy managing!